If Only
by abstractXromance
Summary: Riku and Sora were college roommates who liked each other at all the wrong times. Four years later, Riku has his new life, but with a note from the past, everything is about to change. RikuxSora
1. Chapter 1

Hello! Welcome to my new story! This one's going to be a bit different from my rest. Every other chapter will be told from the other's point of view. For example, this first chapter is Riku's, so the next chapter will be Sora's. So basically, odd chapters are Riku and evens are Sora. Also, two chapters will be released at time, and thus each chapter will compliment the other. Anywho, I'm really excited to be finally writing this story. It came to me quite some time ago. Hope you all enjoy xD

_X.x.x...If Only...x.x.X_

_**Chapter 1**_

Riku. College graduation. A time to look to the future. A time for change. I hope you succeed. Do well.

I threw the card in a nearby trashcan and sighed. It was from an uncle in California. One of those relatives who only sent cards with money on special occasions. I guess college graduation was high on the list of special events.

I looked around me and my roommates dorm. Boxes littered the floor and futon sat against the back wall. I should really be trying to get my stuff packed, but I really just wanted a nap. I threw myself on my bed, letting my long, sliver hair fall in clumps around me. I had a lot coming up in the next few days. I turned to my side, my end table now in view. I opened the first drawer and pulled out a small black box as I laid on my back once more. Idly, I opened and closed the box, thinking about how I was going to do this.

Then my thoughts moved somewhere else. Graduation. The ceremony itself was the day after tomorrow, but I was essentially done with my college career. The only thing that stood between me and my job out west was packing and walking across a stage. I sighed and closed my eyes, not ready to face that simple fact.

Just as my mind was finally at ease, the door opened. I clenched my eyes together as hard as humanly possible. I was not ready to face this.

"Riku! Are you awake?" a huge mess of brunet pounced on my bed.

"Not that it matters to you, Sora, but I was trying to nap," I said through a slit in my mouth.

"You should be packing," Sora said in a matter-of-fact tone. He removed himself from on top of me and sat on the edge of my bed. "The movers are coming at nine tomorrow morning."

"I know. I know," I sighed as sat up, leaning my back against the wall. "I just have a lot on my mind right now, that's all." I looked down. The little box was but inches from my hand. I quickly went to retrieve it.

"Oh!" Sora had noticed my sudden movement. "Is that the ring?!" He voice was full of excitement.

"Yes, it is," I tried to smiled. "And now I bet you want to see it, right?"

"Of course I do," Sora nodded and reached over to grab the box from my hand. He opened it and revealed a simple silver band with a rather large trio of diamonds. "Aw, Riku. She's going to love it."

"Let's hope so," I took the box back from Sora and promptly closed it. "I'm meeting Kairi tonight at seven for dinner."

"Are you going to ask her tonight? Do you think she'll say yes?" I looked at Sora. He looked genuinely happy about this. It made me happy to know he was supportive.

"Yeah, I'm asking tonight and I don't know. We've been dating for a year. She might see it as rushed," I shrugged and placed the small box back in the end table drawer.

"Even if it is rushed, you could always have a long engagement," Sora reasoned, still smiling at me. "I think she's luck to have you."

"Thanks, Sora," I reached to ruffle my long-time roommates hair. We met freshman year, being randomly assigned to live with each other. Turns out, we got along well and roomed together all four years of college. And now I was leaving. I sighed. Here comes the hard part. "Hey, remember that job I applied for?"

"The one in California with that one gaming company?" Sora said, still looking at me. He was one for eye contact.

"Yeah, that one," I sighed and leaned my head against the wall. "Turns out they love my work. I leave the night of graduation for training." Why not just ramble and get it all out there? I closed my eyes waiting for Sora's reaction.

"Really?" at first Sora's voice was low. I turned my head slightly, hoping he wouldn't notice my movement. Sure enough, Sora sat, looking dejectedly at the floor. Then I saw him shake his head. I quickly closed my eyes. "I'm happy for you," he said in his commonly cheerful voice, wrapping his arms around me. "I'm going to miss you, though."

"I'll miss you, too," I said, a sudden pang in my heart made me keep my eyes closed. Sora had got a job with a magazine in New York City. We would be on opposite sides of the country in less than two days. "But, hey, we'll visit each other and still be good friends no matter what," I reasoned. It didn't too unreasonable.

"Yep," Sora leaned back, still half on my lap. "It's going to take way more than a country and a fiance to keep us from being friends."

"Got that right," I said back with a smile.

I looked into Sora's eyes, trying to make sure I would never lose them. Sora had become my best friend. The only guy I could really connect with. In many ways, he was my complete opposite – happy, comforting, always smiling. But at the same time, it hurt me to know I wouldn't come home to find him playing some video game at three in the morning.

"I've got an idea. How about we spend all day tomorrow with each other?" the idea had suddenly popped into my head. "I'll pack now and then we can just have a guy's day. I mean, if Kairi says yes, she'll be moving with me, so she will understand if me and you spend our last day of college together."

"Sounds like a plan," his eyes lit up. I was sure they were sparkling.

I got off my bed and started packing. My clothes would take the longest, so I started at my closet. I watched Sora out of the corner of my eye. He looked content enough. I hoped he wouldn't relapse once I was gone. He'd made so much progress. When he first came to college, Sora was quiet and kind of a loner. He didn't trust any one, but somehow we connected. I sighed and continued my cleaning.

After a few hours, almost everything was packed up, just had the DVD and video game collection to clean up. I'd wait till after my day with Sora tomorrow to put those things into boxes. I threw myself on to our futon. Sora follow suite and sat next to me. He placed his head on my shoulder, something I was used to. I placed and arm around his.

"Maybe I'll just get a job in California," Sora said, closing his eyes.

I remained quiet for a second. That wouldn't be so bad? Right? I could have my girlfriend and best friend in the same state. I briefly shook my head. "No, Sora, you have your dream job lined up in New York."

"But I'll miss you!" his arms swung around me.

"I'll miss you, too, but we'll be okay," I said as I buried my face in his chestnut hair. We sat like that for a good ten minutes. I could feel the front of my shirt become wet as Sora's body heaved in my arms. I held my breath. I couldn't let myself cry in front of him. I finally glanced at the clock. "Sora," I said as I pried the boy from my shirt, "I have to go get changed and pick up Kairi. Will you be okay?"

"Mhm," Sora sat up, taking a breath in, and leaned back on the futon. "Roxas is coming by soon."

"Good," I ruffled Sora's hair as I stood. "Don't try to get yourself too down." I walked into our bathroom and started getting ready.

A good thirty minutes later I appeared from behind the door to a full dorm room. Sora sat on his bed while Axel, Roxas, Namine and Tidus all sat around room.

"Nice pants," Sora giggled.

I looked down. I was wearing dress pants and a button down shirt, "Shush you." I grabbed a pillow off my bed at chucked it at Sora. "I thought you said Roxas was coming over, not everyone we knew." I reached into the end table, grabbed the box and shoved it into my pocket.

"Is that the ring!?" Namine's voice squeaked. "Let me see!" she dove off Sora's bed and pleaded with her eyes.

I sighed, opened the box for a second, listened to her gasp and praise my choice in jewelry, then put the box back in my pocket. "Now if you would all please excuse me, I have to go pick up my future fiancé." I smiled in Sora's general direction and exited the room.

Kairi's dorm wasn't too far. I knocked on her door. She answered, wearing a rather cute sundress. She smiled and closed the door behind her. I smiled as I leaned in to kiss her cheek. "You look wonderful tonight," I said, taking her hand in the process.

"As do you," she blushed and exited the room. I took her hand and led her out to my car. "Where are we going?" she asked as I opened the car's door for her.

"Just to dinner," I shrugged and made my way over to the driver's seat. I could feel the small box awkwardly smash against my leg.

"Good. I'm starving," she said. Her hands worked to change my favorite CD to a rap station. The action made me shudder a tad. "Oh, come on, Riku. I can't listen to your screamo stuff all the time. I'll go crazy."

I laughed a little, gripping the steering wheel as some rapper went on about boots with fur and jeans with apples or something. We arrived at the restaurant fast enough. I paid the valet and escorted Kairi to the dinning room.

Dinner was quiet and uneventful. Kairi talked about how she had applied to so many school trying to get a job as a first grade teacher and I briefly discussed my job in California. She seemed eager to travel across the US for my sake. That made me smile. The server brought out our dessert and I figured it was a better time than ever. I took Kairi's hand and smiled into her eyes. I noticed how her red hair looked against the pink in her dress.

"Something wrong?" Kairi asked in a small voice.

"No, nothing's wrong," I moved from my chair to a knee on the ground. "I love you, Kairi."

I looked up. She was holding her breath. I could tell. "I love you, too," her eyes wide.

"I want to spend every day with you from now until forever. Marry me, Kairi," I pulled the box from my pocket and opened it in front of her.

She blinked and then nodded energetically. "Yes! Yes! Of course, yes!" her arms flung around my neck as her lips crashed with my own. I pulled her away to place the small band on her left ring finger. She put her hand out in front of her and stretched her fingers. "Oh, Riku. It's perfect."

I took her hand and kissed it. "Yes, you are," I returned to my seat at the table.

We both enjoyed our dessert and I took Kairi back to my dorm. She invited me to stay the night, but I explained how I didn't have much time left with Sora and really should get back to the boy. She nodded and seemed to understand, although I thought I saw the corner of her mouth twitch at Sora's name, but I decided I was just seeing things. I kissed her goodnight and started the short trek to my dorm.

Everyone was gone when I entered the dorm. The lights were turned off save for the light of the TV. I smiled when I saw Sora curled up on our futon. I moved his head so it was on my lap and tapped his shoulder. "It's late, Sora. You should probably get to bed."

Sora yawned as he stretched his arms. "Did she say yes?" His eyes were still closed.

"Yep. Looks like I'm getting married," I smiled down to Sora.

"Congrats," Sora sat up, rubbing his eyes. He smiled wearily at me.

"Come on, Sora. We should get some rest," I placed an arm around Sora and pulled him from the futon, placing him on his bed. He stumbled and fell onto the bed. "Has someone been drinking?" I laughed a little. Drunk Sora was always one of my favorites.

"Only had a few drinks," Sora's words slurred as he struggled to keep his eyes open.

"I'm going to have to keep a better eye on you," I grimaced when I realized in a few days those words would be impossible. "Get some sleep, Sora."

"So, see you in the morning then?" Sora said, already curling into the ball in which he slept in.

"'Course," I smiled at Sora's young appearance. "'Night, Sora."

"Goodnight, Riku," he said as his eyes closed.

I wondered if Sora would ever look his age, or would he always look like a 16 year old? I was sure Sora was fast asleep. One of my roommates brown spikes fell down over his eyes, tickling his nose. I saw Sora's face twitch. I brushed the troublesome hair back behind Sora's ear, resting my hand on Sora's cheek. As I was about to pull my hand back, Sora placed his hand on mine.

I looked at Sora's face. He was definitely still asleep, but still, Sora's hand lingered on my own. A sudden swelling came to my heart. I nearly choked on this new feeling. I pulled my hand away slowly, not trying to wake Sora. I instantly missed the warmth.

After thoroughly shaking my head, I stalked off to my own bed. I let my head hit my pillow rather hard. Maybe the action would clear my thoughts. Probably not. I sighed and turned to face the wall.

I had just asked Kairi to marry me and old feelings decided to resurface? I groaned. Sure, I had a crush on my roommate most of sophomore year. Every one knew I was bi. And I knew Sora was gay. But Sora politely told me he didn't want to date me. It would ruin our friendship. I spent junior year trying to suppress my feelings toward the brunet and then I met Kairi, a transfer student.

But why now? I shook my head. I had basically given myself to Kairi and then Sora touched me, in his sleep no less, and my head started to spin. I clenched my eyes closed, demanding the sleep they weren't providing.

I let out a series of muffled noised as I turned to my back. I would make myself sleep, somehow. I didn't need doubt over my actions right now. I kept my eyes closed and tried not to think until sleep finally came over me.


	2. Chapter 2

For those of you who didn't read the note on the last chapter, this is Sora's side to Chapter 1. Um, yes. That's all I've got.

_X.x.x...If Only...x.x.X_

_**Chapter 2**_

He's going to marry _her._

I threw myself against my bed. My head hit my bedroom wall. I didn't even care to move it. My face contorted and I could feel the tears hiding behind my eye lids. I waved my hands around, trying to locate my cell phone. I frantically texted Roxas, begging him to come over and bring whoever. I needed people around me and I needed them right now. He said he would be over in ten minutes. I grabbed my pillow and held it tightly to my chest.

Riku was going to marry Kairi.

My chest swelled, eyes blurred. I could feel my chest start to heave. Riku was only a feet away in the bathroom. Getting ready to ask Kairi to marry him. He would hear me crying. I had to keep it quiet. He couldn't know his decision was going to be the death of me. I couldn't allow my feelings to get in the way of his happiness. Still, I couldn't stop the tears from pouring from my eyes.

I had my chance. I blew it.

The tears kept coming. I could feel them soaking my pillow. I held it over my face, pushing it closer. I had to keep my sobbing muffled.

When we were sophomores Riku told me he liked me. We were kind of drunk, and I thought he was joking. But he carried me to my bed and kissed my cheek. It made me blush. I told him I would think about it. Mostly because I was intoxicated and didn't want to pour out all my emotions to him.

I woke up and Riku was at class. After a rather long conversation with Roxas, we both concluded it would be a horrible idea to date your roommate. And he was right. If I had dated Riku back then, when I was younger and dumber, I'm sure we would have broken up and I would be without a place to live. Roxas told me to wait until we were older. I agreed that would be for the best.

Well now we're older and he's getting married. To someone who isn't me.

I felt my chest rip in half. I realized I wasn't breathing. I took a deep breath in and finally opened my eyes. There stood Namine, Tidus and Axel who had his arm around Roxas. Roxas jumped forward and wrapped his arms around me.

"Sora? Sora, are you okay?" he said.

I tried to breathe evenly, a feat that I wasn't accomplishing very well. "No," I finally said, stating the obvious was always a good plan.

Namine pushed through everyone and sat next to me. "What happen, hunny," she said, taking my hand and patting it.

"It's Riku," I shifted so Roxas no longer had a strangle hold on me. "He's asking Kairi to marry him." I took a deep breath in and held it. I thought that would help stop the tears. I was wrong.

"Oh, Sora," Namine continued holding my hand. "I'm sorry."

"Why would he marry that whore?" Axel's voice cut through the drama.

"Axel! Not helping!" Roxas screeched. He turned to me with apologetic eyes. He placed a hand on my shoulder. "Sora, even if they get engaged, who knows if they'll actually get married. And besides, it's Kairi. She's as fickle as they come."

"Thanks, Roxas," I said, brushing his hand off. "But Riku seems happy. I don't want to interfere." I shrugged and slumped back against the wall.

"Don't be stupid," Tidus finally spoke up. "Your happiness matters, too."

"Yeah, and I really don't think Riku is as happy as he sounds," Namine cut in. "I mean, he is leaving all of us in a few days. That has to have some affect on him."

"Well, he did say he was going to miss me and wants to spend all of tomorrow with me," I couldn't help but half smile. A whole day with Riku would be nice.

"See. He wants to spend time with you," Namine's eyes glistened. "That's good, right?"

I heard the bathroom door opened and motioned with my hands for everyone to cease the current conversation. I took in Riku's new clothing. I wanted to gasp but instead giggled. "Nice pants."

"Shush, you." A pillow came flying at my head. "I thought you said Roxas was coming over, not everyone we knew." I saw him reach in the end table.

"Is that the ring!?" Namine squeaked. "Let me see!" I death glared her as she dove to Riku. I did not want to see that blasted ring ever again. She didn't sense my vibe of disgust and gawked at the horrible piece of jewelry.

"Now if you would all please excuse me, I have to go pick up my future fiancé," Riku looked to me and smiled. I mustered up a smile and then he was gone. To propose to her. As soon as the door closed, I grabbed the pillow and began sobbing.

"Sora," Roxas patted my back. "You have all day with him tomorrow. I'm sure you can get him back."

"How can you get something back when you never had it in the first place?" I said quietly between gasps for air.

"I guess this is where I come in," Axel rolled his eyes and sat down on my over crowded bed. "As Riku's best friend, I would have to say you always had him."

I looked up skeptically at Axel.

"Oh my god, do I have to spell it out for you?" Axel laughed. I squinted my eyes at him. "Sora, he's always liked you, even when you told him you were better off as friends. He's just really good at hiding stuff."

"You serious?" I brushed away a few tears with my closed fist.

"Yes," Namine nodded. "Think about it. All those times he sat around with you and watched reruns or held you when you were upset. Normal guys don't do that stuff." She scoffed at Tidus.

I sat quietly, lost in my thoughts. He did always seem to be touching me, not in a bad way. But his arm was often around my shoulder. And he did usually hug me good bye. I have never really thought much of it. Namine was right, normal friends don't have so much physical contact.

"So, what do I do?" I had zero experience with dating. The only person who ever expressed interest in me was Kairi freshman year, and by the time that happened, I already knew I was gay.

"Just tell him how you feel tomorrow," Roxas said with a nod. "I'm positive he'll respond to that."

I nodded and looked down. "I'm going to suck at this."

"No you're not," Namine smiled warmly. "Just be your adorable self."

"But if you would excuse us, we were actually on our way to the movies and to get a few drinks," Tidus spoke up. "You should come and take your mind off of things."

"You're probably right," I shifting on my bed so I was at its edge. "I need to get out of here."

We all stumbled out of my dorm room and on to the city streets. The movie theater was within walking distance. Tidus chose a zombie movie despite Namine's plea for a romantic comedy. I mouthed a silent thank you. The movie dragged on. It was actually kind of funny for a supposed horror flick.

After the movie we all went down to Ray's for pizza and drinks. It was probably the last night all of us would get together, so I decided to have a few alcoholic beverages myself. After the second or thurd, I could already feel my brain start to swirl.

"I really wish Riku was here," I said with my head on Roxas's shoulder. "Then I could be drunk all over him."

"Trust me Sora," Roxas pushed my head off. "No one wants you to be drunk on them."

"Riku would," I smiled and put my head in my hands, trying to keep the room from spinning.

"I think it's about time we get Sora home," Axel said, pointing an empty glass at me. He stood and put an arm around my waist, pulling me to my feet, as he was probably the strongest of my friends.

"I can walk on my own," I pushed Axel's arm away and promptly fell to the ground.

"That's what I thought, shortie," Axel laughed and picked me off the floor.

"I get to see Riku soon," I said lazily as we exited the bar. "I want to see Riku." All I could think about was Riku. I knew it was mostly the alcohol pulsing through my veins, but no matter what I tried to think about, Riku was there clouding my thoughts. Before I knew it, I was being lowered on mine and Riku's futon.

"Think you'll be okay?" Axel asked, laying my head on the arm softly.

"Mhm," I could feel myself becoming less obnoxious and more tired. "Riku should be home soon."

I saw Axel nod. "Sora, things will work out for you," he said before turning toward the door. "Don't try to get too down about it."

"Thanks, Axel. Tell Roxas that I'll call him tomorrow night," those were the last words I said before I blacked out.

I didn't know how long I was blacked out, but I woke up with my head on Riku's lap. I felt his hand on my shoulder. I never wanted to move.

"It's late, Sora. You should probably get to bed," Riku said quietly. I could still feel his hand on my shoulder.

I yawned, realizing it was probably later than I thought. I stretched my limbs a little but made sure not to lose the contact of Riku's hand on my shoulder. "Did she say yes?" I kept my eyes closed. I figured my reaction would be harder to read this way.

"Yep. Looks like I'm getting married." I thanked God I had my eyes closed. I tried to suppress my emotions. The alcohol was helping that feat.

"Congrats," I sat up and rubbed my eyes, making sure no evil tears had escaped. I formed a half smile.

"Come on, Sora. We should get some rest," Riku's arm wrapped around me. I could feel my skin warming at the touch. He helped me to my bed and then released me, probably thinking I could stand on my own. Of course I fell over. The alcohol and Riku's spell on me were definitely to blame. "Has someone been drinking?" he laughed. I really was going to miss his laugh when he left for California.

"Only had a few drinks," my words slurred together. My head was still heavy and I could feel sleep coming in my near future.

"I'm going to have to keep a better eye on you," he paused. I closed my eyes for a long moment. "Get some sleep, Sora."

"So, see you in the morning then?" I opened my eyes. I wanted to see Riku one more time before I slept. I pulled my knees to my chest, preparing for much needed rest.

"'Course," he smiled. I was also glad the room was dark. He didn't need to see my blush. "'Night, Sora."

"Goodnight, Riku,"I closed my eyes and waited for sleep to take me over. I turned my head slightly. One of my spikes fell across my nose. I could feel it tickling the tip of my nose. It made my face twitch.

I considered moving the hair from my face, but then the pesty lock of hair moved to my ear. Riku's hand rested on my cheek. I kept my body still, despite how fast my heart was racing. I didn't tell my hand to, but it was suddenly resting on Riku's. His hand felt cool against my skin. I liked it. It felt like his hand rested beneath mine for hours, but in reality it was only seconds before he pulled away.

I heard Riku land on his bed on the opposite side of the room and decided it was okay to let out the breath I had been holding. I listened closely and heard Riku tossing in his bed, muttering something I couldn't understand.

I let out a small sigh and turned over. I really was tired. My eyes felt like lead bricks. I could feel my heart begin to swell again but told it to stop. I would have all day tomorrow to show Riku how I felt. Even if he was engaged to Kairi, it's not like they were married. I still had a chance. No matter how small that chance was, it was still there.


	3. Chapter 3

So, it's been a year. I ended up getting married and moving out. It's been crazy, but a happy crazy. Anyway, here's Riku's side. I'm writing Sora's this weekend. I just wanted to get something out there so you know I'm alive xD Anyway, I hope you enjoy. Oh, and if you want to RP with me some Kh stuff please please please pm me with some form of contact info. Thanks!

* * *

_X.x.x...If Only...x.x.X_

_**Chapter 3**_

_**Riku  
**_

I instantly groaned as a continued knock on my door rose me from my sleep. I turned over on my side and could see that some how Sora was still sleeping through the incessant knocking. I groped for my cell. Nine in the morning. The movers. Wonderful.

I stumbled to the door and pulled it open. Two men in khaki jumpsuits stood in front of me. They were obviously morning people and I had obviously forgotten to turn on my alarm this morning. I grunted and pointed to mine and Sora's boxes. Once of the men grabbed the boxes with my name and the other grabbed Sora's.

"We'll take these to the trucks. What else goes?" one of the guys asked.

"Um, everything besides the futon, DVDs, games, PS3 and TV," I said quietly. I peered over to Sora's bed. He was not turning in his blankets. I didn't want him to wake up with a hang over. Stupid moving.

I sat back down on my bed and watched the two men take mine and Sora's lives away in boxes. I had kept a duffel bag under my bed with clothing for today and tomorrow as well as grooming supplies. The previous night had left me with a slight headache. I still wondered how one touch could bring up so many feelings. I must have only slept about three hours the entire night. My eyes fought to stay open as I watched the men work.

I contemplated waking Sora up, but by the time I could come up with any clarity on the situation, I heard Sora groan from across the room.

"Riku . . . what's going on?" a very half-asleep Sora asked.

The two men had filled their Dollies with boxes and were going to load them into the separate Uhauls. In the mean time, I walk over to Sora's bed and took a seat on the edge. "The movers are here. Kinda forgot about them," I shrugged and stretched my arms some.

Sora rubbed his eyes with the back of his arm and turned over on his side to face the wall. "I don't want to be awake yet," he said before pulling a comforter over his head.

"And why not?" I grabbed the blanket from Sora's hands and pulled it down. "I thought you wanted to spend the whole day with me?" I smirked some.

"But it's _so_ early!" Sora pouted.

I laughed a little and adverted my gaze. Sora looked too damn cute like that. "Then let's chill on the futon. I'll watch some DVDs and you can rest," I decided.

"Kay," Sora slowly sat up. He stretched his arms and yawned.

The movers came back in and started their second load. It appeared they would only have to make about two or three more. Funny how everything that Sora and I owned could be moved into vans so quickly. I shook my head to clear my head of thoughts and stood from Sora's bed. "Well come on," I offered Sora a hand, half figuring he needed help to the futon, half just wanting physical contact with the brunet.

He took my hand and I sat on the futon. Sora positioned himself so his head rested on my lap, the same position we had held so many times before. Except this time it was different. We had today. I was leaving tomorrow night. A wave of anxiety took over my chest. My arm wrapped over Sora's chest and I forgot about the movers who were dragging away my possessions.

We sat like that in silence as I grabbed the remote and turned on the TV and DVD player. I thought for sure he had fallen back asleep. Sora wasn't the one to be up at nine am, then again, neither was I.

Sora turned a little. He no longer faced the TV and instead was facing back up at me, except his eyes were closed. I smiled down at his pleasant complexion. Just then Sora's eyes flickered open, but only half way.

"Riku...," his voice trailed off. I could tell there was something he wanted to say.

"Hm?" I looked into Sora's blue eyes.

And he remained silent. I could feel the seconds tick by until Sora sighed. His eyes closed.

"I'm going to miss you," Sora turned back over and faced the TV once more. Then his arm moved so it was holding mine against his chest. "So much."

I swallowed hard. I wanted to reach down and kiss his cheek. I wanted to tell him it was going to be OK. I wanted to hold him. But my phone buzzed. I shifted a little to retrieve it from my pocket, but not so much as to disturb Sora from my lap. It was a text from Kairi.

"_Good morning. Just wanted to say I love you and have a good day with Sora."_

I let out a slow breath. Kairi. I was engaged. I shouldn't be having feelings about someone else right now. Not when I had already promised to spend forever with someone else. Then again, maybe I was just nervous about that fact and that is why I was feeling this way toward Sora. I let out a small laugh. I couldn't even pretend that was true. I had always cared for Sora . . . as more than just friends.

I quickly typed back an I love you, too, and a have a good day and went back to staring at the TV. As episodes of _Arrested Development_ played, I tightened my grip on Sora. He was already asleep. The sound of movers picking up boxes must have not bothered him that much. I sighed and tried not to think. I leaned my head back on the futon and closed my eyes.

Before I knew it, my eyes were opening. I blinked the sleep away a few times and found myself laying with Sora on the futon. My best friend lie snuggled in my arms. I looked around my room and found no sign of the movers or my belongings. I figured they had been gone for some time. I fished out my cell phone. Quarter till twelve.

"Sora...," I said quietly as I tried to remove myself from him. "It's almost noon."

Sora made some adorable noises and scrunched his nose. "Fifteen more minutes," his body pushed against mine as he moved to get more comfortable.

"Fine," I rolled my eyes and sighed. Sora did love his sleep. "I'll go shower. I expect you to do the same when I get out."

"Mhm," Sora hummed and drifted quickly back to sleep.

I smiled as I maneuvered around my slumbering friend. He always looked so happy when he slept. I just hoped he would always stay like this: happy and adorable.

I grabbed my duffel bag from under my bed. It wasn't hard to find considering everything else had been removed from my room. I turned on the shower and used mostly cold water. Sora liked extremely warm showers. I didn't want to use up all the hot water.

I stood facing the pouring liquid and closed my eyes. I had been done for some time now; I just liked the water felt against my skin. It was calming. I knew today was supposed to be fun and carefree, but I didn't understand how I was supposed to make it that way when I knew what loomed in the all too near future. I thought about tomorrow. About getting in my car and starting the day's drive to California. I thought about my new apartment in L.A. I thought about living with Kairi and not Sora.

My fist pounded against the shower's wall. Why couldn't Sora just want me? Why did we have to just be friends?

I hit the wall once more as I cursed my own words. I was lucky to have Sora as a friend. So very lucky.

I managed to turn the water off. I climbed out of the shower and stared at my reflection in the fogged mirror. I could barely make out my facial expression. My eyes and nose were just a clod of steam, but my lips . . . they were turned down. I tried to half-smile, but I couldn't.

Today was going to be one of the hardest days of my life.

Once I was dressed, I walked out of the bathroom and found Sora sitting cross-legged on the futon. He held a notebook in his hands. "Hey there," I called as I tossed my bag back under my bed.

"Oh!" Sora looked up and then down to his book. He quickly closed it and shoved it into his messenger bag. "I didn't hear the water turn off." Sora got up and grabbed his own bag. "I'll just be a few minutes. Don't want to waste any time." He flashed a cheesy grin and danced off to the bathroom.

I slumped on to my bed. Sora seemed happy enough. Then I remembered this morning. The way he pulled me close to him after saying he'd miss me.

Sora wasn't happy. I was hurting him. I was hurting my best friend.

That fact pulled at my heart. I could feel it ripping. But what was I supposed to do? I can basically sold my life away at the age of 21. I sat up against my headboard and held my head in my hands. I couldn't come up with any solution. Nothing. Finally, after excruciating minutes of silence, I made the decision to let whatever was going to happen tonight happen. It was my last night with Sora for God knows how long. Better make it a night to remember.

Just as I can came to my decision, Sora emerged from the bathroom, his hair still in the towel. I chuckled at the appearance. "Attractive," I laughed.

"Shut up," Sora blushed and grabbed the towel from his hair. He threw the towel back in the bathroom. "So, what do you want to do today?" Sora walked over and took a seat on the foot of my bed.

"Well," I quickly racked my brain for a game plan. "Pizza at Ray's, shopping and drinks later? Then we can just chill in the dorm and watch crappy horror movies."

Sora laid back on the bed, his wet hair soaking my sheets. I didn't care, though. "Sounds perfect."

XxxXxxX

"You know I don't like pepperoni!" Sora exclaimed, picking off the meat from his side of the pizza.

"Sorry . . . you told me to order quickly and you were starving. Don't rush me," I laughed at Sora. He stuck out his tongue and a slice of pepperoni hit the side of my face. "That was completely unnecessary."

"Oh, but I think it was," Sora giggled. I smiled. He took a bite of the pizza and spoke through chewing, "Remember the time when we came here with like twenty people and all we ordered was like a dessert pizza and four Cokes?" He started laughing.

"They were so pissed," I grinned. "And then we left a huge tip and they gave us free fries. Good times." I watched Sora laugh and destroy his half of our pizza and sighed. So many memories started filling my head. I sat and reminisced with Sora for the remainder of our meal.

The waitress came back to our table and handed us the check. I could see Sora move a hand to grab his wallet but I slid in a twenty and a ten into the billfold before Sora could react. "Keep the change," I said to our server and turned back to Sora. "Today's on me. I'm the one leaving."

Sora opened his mouth, probably to protest, but instead shut it and nodded. "So, to the mall then? It's only two and it would be lame to start drinking now."

I stood, "Mall it is." I smiled before walking from the table. I heard Sora scurry close behind me. I opened both the door to the restaurant and the door to the car.

"Thanks," Sora said as he climbed in to the car, a blush appearing on his cheeks.

I got in the car and turned the music up a little. Sora actually liked what I listened to. I wanted a little time to think. Not that it would actually help my cause. I looked to Sora. He was looking directly at me. As soon as our eyes met he blushed again and turned out the window.

Sora did blush a lot. I knew that. But I also knew what his blushes usually meant. The last time I remember seeing his cheeks turn red, it was when Sora had a crush on this guy named Zexion. Turns out the guy transferred the next semester. Money issues or something, but still. Sora only blushed when he was around someone he liked.

Or so I tried to tell myself.

Sora brought his feet up on the seat so he could hug his knees. I usually teased him about shoes on my seats, but today I let it slide. "So, was Kairi all right with us hanging out today?" Sora asked as he turned back down the music.

I shrugged. "I didn't really give her a choice on the matter." I pulled the car into the closest parking space. "So I guess she was okay." I turned to see Sora smile.

He climbed out of the car and didn't wait for me. I saw him pull out his phone but didn't bring it up. I figured he was just texting Tidus or something. I followed close behind when my phone vibrated. I rolled my eyes thinking it was Kairi. Nope. Axel.

"_Hey man. Good news. Roxas and I already set up a date in July to come visit you and the girl out in LA."_

I then remembered it wouldn't just be Sora I was leaving. It would be everyone. Tidus, Namine, Roxas, Axel . . . . I typed back a response.

"_Kick ass. Make sure to bring Sora and everyone else. We'll all crash at my place."_

I hit send and met Sora at the doors. He seemed quite jovial. "Come on! I want to get Devil May Cry 4 and Soul Caliber 4 and Rock Band 2!" Sora beckoned as he walk into the mall.

"Sora. You do realize you're about to start a real job and will probably not have as much time for video games as before," I snickered. Sora's video game buying compulsion always amused me.

"I just won't sleep. Simple solution," Sora grinned back as he entered Gamestop. I watched him talk to the cashier from the entrance.

As Sora completed his transaction, I stood behind and aimlessly picked up a few game cases. I sighed a little. It didn't really feel like today would be our last day. It felt like any normal Saturday. I glanced over my shoulder at my best friend. He was leaning over the counter and looking at a magazine with the cashier. Sora was probably pre-ordering another game. Then my eyes fell from Sora's shoulders to his waist. Sora's tightly-fitted T-shirt was slightly pulled up in the back, exposing about two inches of exposed skin.

And that was all it took.

It had been weeks, maybe even months, since I had thought about Sora _that_ way. But here I was. In a public place. Mentally undressing my best friend and placing him below me.

I had to get out of there.

I walked quickly to Sora's side. "Hey, we should get back so that we actually have time to play all these games you're buying," I said directly to Sora. I didn't bother looking at the cashier's face. I imagined he was pissed at my intrusion.

"You're right." Sora's face executed a perfect smile as he turned away and handed the associate his debit card. "I'll buy Guitar Hero some other day." Sora quickly signed his name and grabbed the bag. He walked quickly, yet fluidly, in front of me.

I stared at him as I walked in silence behind.

We entered my car and I started the short drive home. It was a few minutes before I realized neither of us were speaking and I realized I hadn't really been thinking either, just trying relentlessly to get my urges in check. I turned down the radio and cursed my hormones.

"How much did you spend this time?" I finally asked, breaking our not-so-awkward silence.

"Oh, only 180." Sora giggled. He held his games close to his body. "Would have been more if I actually bought the drums for Rock Band."

I nodded and the evil wheels in my head turned. "So, want to blow some of that saved money and grab some drinks for back home?"

Sora scrunched his nose and shook his head. "We have graduation in the morning," he reminded with a sigh. I turned my head to see him staring out the window.

"Oh, come on," I patted his shoulder. "It's our last night."

Sora nodded absently and looked out the window. "Just please don' get vodka. It makes me sick."

I laughed and turned the car in the direction of the nearest liquor store.

It was a quick transaction. I bought some raspberry rum, jager and a 12-pack of Miller Light. I had enough alcohol for four people. I walked back to the car and saw Sora, yet again, texting. He never liked going in liquor stores, considering he looked about 16 and was always carded.

"Jeez kid. Who're you texting all day?" I said half as a joke half wanting to know.

"Just Roxas," Sora said, sliding his phone into his pocket. "So, we're going home now?"

Home. I guess our dorm room/apartment was home. And I was leaving home tomorrow to go where again? Would Cali ever feel like home to me? I shook my head. I needed to focus.

"Yep. Got some drinks and now all we need is to relax and enjoy the rest of the day."

"You mean night." Sora pointed to the setting sun. He looked a little depressed at that fact.

"Hey now, no being depressed. We still have all night, then." I stared at the road.

We arrived at our barren dorm room and immediately took a shot each. It took me a lot more than Sora to get intoxicated, so I took an extra shot. Two shots for Sora's one would be about right in my head.

"So, what do you want to do now?" Sora bounced on the futon.

"Well . . . " I looked around the room. There really wasn't anything to do beside play video games. I opened the closet, and to my surprise, something stood out amongst the pale interior. I grabbed the box and spun around. "Up for a little Battleship? Take a shot every time you sink a ship."

Sora laughed. Well, okay, it was more like a giggle. He jumped to the floor, bringing the rum with him. I took that as a yes.

After a good two games of Battleship, I could tell I was beyond sloshed. It took great effort to make it to the futon. I apparently sucked at the damn game. Either that or Sora was cheating. Either way, I could feel alcohol in my mouth and in my head with every move. Double shots were never a good plan.

"What now?" Sora asked, laughing at my appearance.

I wrapped my arm around my friend. I couldn't help but want to be close to him. The simple contact made him smile. I loved his smile. And his eyes. And his lips.

I shook my head. Must stay away from his lips.

"Um, porn?" Porn? Really? I laughed. It was all I could do. My head was making funny things at me.

"Sure!" I saw Sora open a beer. He reached into his duffel bag and brought out his laptop. After a few minutes some intense guy-on-guy action was afoot.

Why was I so surprised that Sora had porn readily available? I couldn't stop laughing. I reached for Sora's beer. More alcohol.

"I don't think that's a good idea." Sora made a face. Despite what he was saying, it wasn't too hard to get the beer from him.

I chugged it.

I looked over at the laptop, oblivious to life and not caring that my phone was buzzing in my pocket.

The naked guys on the TV weren't my type. One was rather buff and the other looked like he lived in Men's Express. I liked guys who were still guys, but not ridiculously guy-like.

My own thoughts weren't making sense. And yet I grabbed another beer.

But yes. Guys. I liked them. I didn't like these guys, though. I looked at Sora. I liked Sora. I leaned in to kiss Sora. You're supposed to kiss people you like.

Sora was kissing me back. His lips felt like marshmallows. I laughed into the kiss. I don't remember laughing this much while drinking. But I never had this much to drink.

Sora looked at me with an interesting face. I liked his face. So, I kissed it.

And I kept kissing Sora until we had moved from the futon to a bed. I wasn't in control of my body, but I knew this was what I wanted. My hands slid under his shirt and my lips never met his. My mind continued swirling. My thoughts were swimming through a sea of alcohol, hormones and built up sexual tension.

And then it was morning.

I could tell because the only window in the small dorm was open and the sun was attacking my retina. I blinked a few times. My head was throbbing.

"Riku! Get up!"

Who was calling me? It wasn't Sora.. Too high-pitched.

"Riku Miyano, get your ass out of bed. We're graduating in two hours and we need to get the rest of this crap in the van."

It was Kairi. I rubbed my forehead. "One minute. I drank too much last night."

Kairi sighed heavily. "Fine. I'm taking this box of games to the car. Be up by the time I get back."

She stormed out of the room. What the hell had climbed up her ass?

I went to sit up and immediately lay back down. My body ached all over, and my stomach was a hurricane of pain. The blanket fell off my chest. I was naked? I tried to remember how I ended up in my bed, and why I was undressed. It was kind of warm in the room. Maybe I was too warm when I went to bed? Alcohol does warm me up pretty well.

I was about to stand up when I remembered Sora. I didn't know if he was still asleep. I turned to my side and glanced at his bed.

He was gone.

As a matter of fact, all his things were gone. His share of the games, movies . . . gone. I got up and threw on a pair of boxers. I hurried to his bed. All the sheets, blankets, his pictures, his duffel bag was all gone, too.

I felt my heart being to race. Did I fuck up last night? I sat on his bed. Nothing too bad came to mind. Last thing I could properly remember was us playing Battleship and watching porn. Next thing I knew it was morning. Maybe Sora didn't want me to know he had a porn collection? But that didn't make sense. He was a guy just like me. We all had porn.

My heart rate wouldn't decrease. I needed to get my mind off of all this, so I took a shower and packed. Kairi was in and out moving things. I could tell she was pissed because I wasn't helping her, but I couldn't. I drank more last night than I had in my whole life and my best friend was missing.

I finally located my phone. I had a few angry texts and voicemails from Kairi wondering what I was doing the night before, but nothing from Sora. I had to have done something. I frantically texted my roommate asking where he was, if he was okay and what I had done wrong. I waited impatiently and sighed when ten minutes went by without a reply.

I was in the mood to sulk, but my mood was cut short by my entire family piling into my dorm at once. There was hugging, congratulating, crying – the works. And I decided to play my part. I was happy to see them, somewhat.

And before I knew it, I was in my cap and gown. It was time to get to the ceremony. As I was driving Kairi and me to the auditorium, I kept texting everyone I knew. Finally, just as I was about to enter the building, Axel texted back.

_Sora's in pretty bad shape. Something happened. Rox won't tell me. Look for Sora at graduation._

Graduation. He would have to be there. Sora would be walking before me, his last name being Irino. Kairi kissed my cheek and took her seat with the Us. Not that there were many of them.

My eyes darted around the auditorium. I couldn't see Sora's row, but he would have to be here. We always said we wanted to walk and not be lame and take off after finals.

"Would those with last names starting with H, I and J please rise."

I strained my eyes. No sight of him yet. Again, my heart raced. I just wanted to make sure he was okay. I wanted to see him before I left in three hours.

"Miranda Ido." Pause. "Samuel Inman." Longer Pause. "Kristina Irving."

I blinked. Sora's name would have to be between the last two. He didn't walk? I bent my head down in shame. What had I done? I swore to myself that I would figure it out.

The rest of the ceremony was a blur. I received my diploma, was in about 1000 photos, said goodbye to people I didn't even know and tried not to cry. My own friends, Roxas, Axel and Tidus didn't even know where Sora had run off to and none of them would tell me what was wrong.

After telling Kairi I would be at dinner in a second, I ran outside. I ran in my red gown and suit all the way to the parking lot of our dorm. I knew it was silly, but I wanted to see if his car was there.

And it was.

I rushed over and about took off his door as I slammed my body into the passenger's seat.

"Sora . . . " My breath was in gasps. "I'm sorry." I looked to Sora's eyes. They were wet. He'd been crying. "I'm sorry about last night. Can we get past it?"

There was a long pause. Sora just blinked in my direction, like I wasn't even there.

"Riku . . . " His hands gripped the steering wheel and he faced our building. "I accept your apology. I just wish this hadn't happened. I'll miss you."

"I'll miss you, too," I quickly added. "But you're coming up with Axel in the summer, right? It will be like we never were apart."

Sora shook his head. "No, Riku. I'm not coming. We will be apart." He paused and took in a deep breath. I was memorizing his every move, trying to make sense of all this. "Please, just leave me be. It's what I need. It's what you need. You have Kairi now." He pointed past me to the redhead driving toward us. "Just go and forget about this."

My jaw dropped. He was telling me to leave. To get out of his life.

"If this is what you want . . . ." I put one foot our the door.

"Yes, Riku, please. Leave." He looked away. I couldn't see his eyes. This bothered me.

"Sora. You're my best friend. I love you, you know that. When you're ready, I'll be here. Just tell me what's wrong." I was standing outside of the car now. Kairi was honking the horn incessantly.

"I already told you. I need you to leave. You're what's wrong."

Sora turned on his car and I closed the door. He quickly backed up and drove away.

I stood there, staring at Sora's disappearing car. I didn't know what to do, so I got in the car with my fiance. She was speaking; I could tell that much. But I wasn't listening; she probably knew that.

My best friend had driven out of my life and I was driving to my knew life.

But I still wanted to know . . .

What the hell had I done?


	4. Chapter 4

And here it is. Sora's side. I'll update Riku's side next week. And again, if you want to RP, send me a PM or something ^^

* * *

_X.x.x...If Only...x.x.X_

_**Chapter 4**_

_**Sora  
**_

I woke up to movers and Riku.

Not really a bad situation, if you ask me. I could have done without the scraping of boxes against the floor and seeing smelly men in my room, but I took what I could get.

Riku was standing over me, his hand outstretched. He wanted me to get up, and I kind of wanted to as well, but my eyes felt heavy and my body ached. I had slept in the same small ball I had fallen asleep in, not the optimal sleeping position.

"Well come on," Riku beckoned.

I managed to open my eyes and grab his hand. That wasn't the hard part. I knew it was a kind gesture, but I still took the opportunity to curl my fingers amongst his. I lay down on the futon, my head on Riku's lap. I could feel my body pleading for sleep, but I didn't want to. I fought my eyes closing.

Then his arm wrapped around me.

Again, I knew this was normal. Riku liked to comfort me. He had kept me sane the past four years. I owed my social life to him.

And soon he would be gone.

I wasn't paying attention to my surroundings, just the feel of someone I loved being close to me for one of the last times. I lay there and thought about things for a while. Would Riku call me when he was in Cali or just text? The thought of not hearing Riku's voice ever day made my chest swell.

I rolled so that my closed eyes could see Riku whenever I chose to open them. I heard the men in the room carry out another load and my eyes opened. I felt likeI should say something.

"Riku . . . " Yeah, that's just what I wanted to say. His name. Not that I loved him. Not that his absence would kill me. I just wanted to say his name. The frustration almost brought me to tears.

"Hm?" His eyes met mine. Instantly I could feel my tears dry up. For now.

He was expecting me to say something else. I was about a second away from telling him everything, but instead I said : "I'm going to miss you. So much."

Understatement of the year.

I felt like I was cutting of the circulation to Riku's arm, but didn't care. I just wanted to be close to him for as long as possible.

I wanted him to say something else. I'm not going to lie. But then his stupid cell phone buzzed. It took everything in me not to grunt in disapproval. It was probably his bitch of a fiancé. I yelled at myself internally. I couldn't call Kairi a bitch. She hadn't done anything wrong to him.

I didn't want to fall asleep, but I did. I didn't want to waste any more time with stupid trivial things. Not when there wasn't much time to waste.

Riku tried to wake me up, but I pleaded for 15 minutes. I held a fake smile, like I had been doing so often lately. Not really because I wanted to sleep, but because I wanted to think. I had 24 hours to get out everything I always had meant to say to my roommate. I didn't want to leave anything unsaid. I stayed in my pseudo-sleeping position until I could hear water running.

I got up at once and scurried to my bed. My duffel bag was not only full with clothing needed for the next day, but also my notebook. I began freewriting all the things I wanted to say. If I tried speaking them outloud, they would be a jumbled mess. That's how I'd always worked: writing everything important down first.

I had a pretty good first draft going when Riku said, "Hey there," and walked into my line of vision wearing nothing but a pair of jeans.

"Oh!" I shoved he notebook away. That was the last thing I wanted him to read at the moment. To prevent staring at Riku's bare chest, I grabbed my bag. "I didn't hear the water turn off. I'll just be a few minutes. Don't want to waste any time." I smiled my biggest smile and ran off. I couldn't look at Riku partially naked while I was . . . having these feelings.

I made the shower beyond warm. As I took deep, calming breaths trying to subside the reaction to Riku without a shirt, I noticed the water wasn't getting any cooler like it usually did.

Riku took a cold shower so I wouldn't have to.

That's all it took for the tears to begin running from my eyes. Riku had been thinking about me, again. He was always doing little things for me. He was my personal alarm clock and snooze button. He was my doctor when I was sick and my tutor when I was having trouble in calc.

Did this mean he still liked me?

It made sense. A lot of the things he had done for me had been quite personal, especially all the physical contact, but I still had no clue if that was enough. The tears began to dry and I turned off the shower.

As I dried my body and prepared for my day with Riku, I couldn't help but think:

Did he like me enough to stay?

XxxXxxX

The day up to this point was just like any other. We went to our favorite pizza place and reminisced. It was hard to share so many memories and not cry. I knew I would be doing plenty of crying tomorrow and was trying to keep the current crying to a minimum.

We also stopped at the mall. I spent a ton of money I didn't have on new games. I would need something to fill the hours I normally spent with Riku when he left. A cashier even made a stupid attempt at hitting on me. Luckily, Riku had been right there to get me out of that awkward situation. For half a second, I pretended in my head that Riku was mine. The thought had faded quickly.

And that left us in our current situation: me sitting in the car while Riku bought alcohol. Riku knew I hated those places. Pereptually looking 16 didn't help trying to buy rum. I pulled out my phone and sent Roxas a text.

_Riku's buying alcohol. You know how I am when I'm drunk. I'll be all over him. What should I do?_

I waited patiently for a reply. I didn't want Riku to think my feelings for him were fake because I made out with him while being trashed.

_Just do whatever feels right, kid. You like the guy. Just let it all out. It's now or never._

I sighed and began my reply. He was right. Just then Riku entered the car. He glared at my phone.

"Jeez kid. Who're you texting all day?" Riku said. I knew he wanted to know before he had asked.

"Just Roxas. So, we're going home now?" I cringed at the word home. That little dorm room had always felt more home-like than anywhere else, and soon it would be gone. I could feel my mood shift into something unpleasant.

"Yep. Got some drinks and now all we need is to relax and enjoy the rest of the day," Riky replied.

"You mean night." I sighed at the setting sun. I didn't want today to end. Simple as that.

"Hey now, no being depressed. We still have all night, then." Riku's voice wasn't convincing me that we had time because I knew we didn't.

Lucky for me, we had the correct substances to make me forget about time. Coming home to a few shots was enough to get me tipsy. I was a light weight; I knew it.

Riku grabbed Battleship, insisting we took a shot whenever one of our ships sank. I immediately remembered when we had bought that game. We were taking a walk around campus and noticed that there was a rummage sale in the square. We joked around, throwing Beanie Babies at each other. The guy selling the Beanies was getting pissed. He pulled the whole "Buy something or leave" thing. So Riku paid a dollar for Battleship. It was one of those says I would miss having while I worked for my "dream job" at the magazine.

The only dream I had was falling asleep next to Riku every night.

I didn't want to bring the night down, so I continued to drink. Riku was drinking twice as much as me, making a difficult pace for me to keep up with. After two games, Riku was falling all over himself. I giggled at my friend.

"What now?" I asked.

In about two seconds I found myself in a bear hug. I couldn't keep the smile from my lips. I was drunk, but not retarded. I knew that this hug was just a product of Riku's drunkenness, but at this point I didn't care.

So, when Riku suggested we watched porn, I didn't object. Riku had a fiancé, but I was the one with the four-year claim on him. I was waiting for the right time, damn it. And now was as good as ever. I grabbed my laptop and a beer. I took a seat next to Riku on the futon and started up the sex fest.

Riku successfully drank my beer for me. I shook my head. He didn't need more alcohol in him. He was oblivious to his phone vibrating, but I wasn't. I was fully aware that Kairi was trying to check up on him. I also was fully aware that I didn't care.

As men violated each other on my laptop, I looked at Riku. He was making a face at the naked men. I couldn't help but giggle. Just then Riku turned to me and I was fully aware of how much he had to drink.

His lips slid over mine. The alcohol, heat, emotions, everything messed with my head and I couldn't tell myself I was doing the wrong thing. Not when the wrong thing felt so good.

And Riku was . . . laughing at me?

I made a face at him only to be stopped by his lips meeting mine.

It was like all the shots and beers hit me at once. I was suddenly standing with Riku. Walking over to my bed with Riku. Getting groped by Riku.

I didn't know what I was doing. I had never passed second base and Riku was rounding third as he lifted my shirt over my head. I closed my eyes for a minute. It felt like my brain was going to pour out of my ears. His lips caressed my neck. "Riku . . ." I said with a soft moan.

"Sora," Riku's breath hitched. He kissed my lips with what I thought was emotion, not drunken lust, only to stop. "Sora, I've wanted to be with you for so long. I wish it was you, not Kairi."

This is where my breathing stopped. My mouth opened and closed; I probably looked like a fish. I was searching for something to say that wouldn't sound corny or stupid.

I settled for: "But you've had me all along. I want to be with you, too."

"Then let me have you."

His words echoed in my ears. I knew this wasn't the right way to go about things. You weren't supposed to be drunk when you told your love all your emotions and your first time wasn't supposed to be with someone who was engaged, but I didn't care. Someone once told me your true feelings came out when you were drunk. I decided to go with that.

This was Riku. My Riku. And he wanted me, not her. I couldn't deny him anything.

I told him yes by kissing his neck.

Riku had been gentle for as trashed as I guessed he was. Every feeling was new and I cherished every one of them. It had been a blur, but a blur I could almost understand.

After we had finished, we lay together on his bed, neither of us bothering to get dressed. I liked my place in Riku's arms and didn't want to move. He simply stroked my arm. I was surprised he hadn't passed out yet.

"Sora," Riku began, "I wish I could be with you forever. I wish you wanted me like she wanted me."

I paused. I wasn't expecting him to speak let alone say those things. By the time I was about to speak, I noticed Riku's eyes were closed and his breathing was even. He had fallen asleep.

But I couldn't. I lay there for hours waiting for my brain to finish processing the night. I couldn't help but think Riku was just drunk and none of this meant anything. I wanted there to be something I could do to stop him.

So I got up. I could see the sun rising through our small window. I opened it to let in much needed fresh air. I sat on the floor with my trusted notebook and wrote. I scribbled things out, drew arrows, erased – the works. I wanted this to be perfect.

But as I continued writing, my words became more emotional. I could feel myself blaming him for wanting to marry _her_. I thought of all the horrible things she had said and wrote them all down. I made sure my sentences were making sense and then added a few more.

I added an ultimatum: either chose her and lose me, or dismiss her and have me in any sense you wanted.

In the past few minutes I realized I could never have Riku as long as she was there as his wife. She would never let us be as closed as we wished.

I felt the tears building but had to press on. I had to stick true to my word. I started packing all of my things and taking trips out to my car. I took my time. I had to make sure this was what I wanted.

I walked back into mine and Riku's room. Nothing was left of mine, besides my best friend and the letter. I glanced at the clock. It was 11 a.m. Surely he would be waking soon. Graduation was in a few hours.

I took the letter and slipped it into an envelope I found in Riku's mess of papers. I wrote Riku's name on the front and placed it on his pillow, where I had been sleeping.

I knew it was time to leave, but my legs wouldn't let me. I instead sat on the edge of his bed and brought my knees to my chest. Tears streamed across my face, but I wouldn't close my eyes.

This could be the last time I saw him.

I felt my phone buzz. It was Roxas. I would call him back in a few. I saw Riku turn in his sleep to land on my letter. I was sure he would see it anyway.

Then it was time to say goodbye. I stood beside his sleeping body and kissed his cheek. "I love you, " I whispered and then walked out of the only place that had really felt like home to me.

I walked quickly down the hall. I wanted to get to my car and cry. I wanted to cry for the next few hours; for I knew they would be the longest of my life.

But then I saw her. Kairi. The bitch who'd taken him from me.

We exchanged glares and she walked by. I panicked for a minute, thinking she would find my letter, but then remember it was hidden beneath Riku. I exhaled and made it to my car. I decided to call Roxas before the waterworks started.

"Sora! Where have you been? My mom wants you to come to lunch with us. You're parents are here, too."

"Roxas . . ." The tears were welling up again. "Something happened last night."

"Did you tell him?" I could hear the excitement in his voice.

"Well, kinda." And I explained it all to him. The drinking, the sex, the letter, the ultimatum. Everything.

"So . . . you're going to stick by this? You're not even going to walk today?" I could hear disappointment, similar disappointment I was sure to hear from my parents when I told them I wouldn't be walking to get my diploma as planned.

"No, I'm going to call the office and have them ship it to my new address. I need to get the fuck out of here as soon as I hear from Riku."

"I guess I understand. We'll miss seeing you."

"I'll miss you guys, too. But at least we're living close to each other." And the pang of knowing Riku wouldn't be set in again. I took a deep breath and tried to make it through the pain.

"Sora? Don't freak out just yet. He hasn't made his decision. Hang in there."

"Just please, please, please don't tell Axel. Pretend I'm sick or something. Just don't tell him anything. He'll tell Riku and I don't want anything affecting Riku's decision."

"I get it. He is a loud mouth. Well I gotta get going. Mom's impatient."

"It's cool. Happy graduation. See you later."

"Same to you. Bye, Sora."

And then he hung up. I made the calls to the office and my parents quickly. I didn't know how much I could stand before the panicking started. And sure enough, as soon as my mother hung up, I was in tears.

The minutes were pressing on and Riku was nowhere to be found. I glanced at the clock. The ceremony had started. I thought he would come before everything started. I was starting to lose hope. I thought he would come to me regardless of what the answer would be, but maybe he loved that whore so much he was pissed about everything I had said.

And just as I was about to leave, I saw Riku running toward my car. He flung the door open. "Sora . . . I'm sorry. I'm sorry about last night. Can we get past it?"

I tried to decipher what he was saying. Was that a "I want to be friends because sex was weird with you and not be with Kairi" or a "I want to be with Kairi and be your friend." After a few moments, I decided on the latter. "Riku . . . I accept your apology. I just wish this hadn't happened. I'll miss you." I figured he would get the vibe that I took his words as he was leaving, this was he could either flip out and tell me to stay or just wish me a good life.

"I'll miss you, too, but you're coming up with Axel in the summer, right?" And he was basically wishing me a good life. Obviously, Riku wasn't accepting my ultimatum and trying to work between the lines and get the best of both worlds. Something I couldn't so any longer. Angry tears fell from my eyes.

"No, Riku. I'm not coming. We will be apart." The next few words would be hard, but I hoped he would understand them. "Please, just leave me be. It's what I need. It's what you need. You have Kairi now." I saw the redhead driving like a moron toward the car. "Just go and forget about this."

Riku's face changed. I felt like I had just crumbled his world, but hadn't he crumbled mine?

"If that is what you want . . . ." He started out of the car.

I looked away, closing my eyes. "Yes, Riku, please. Leave." If I looked at him, I knew I would change my response.

"Sora. You're my best friend. I love you, you know that. When you're ready, I'll be here. Just tell me what's wrong."

I didn't bother looking at him. More angry tears would have blurred my vision anyway. I had already told him what was wrong. It was her. I couldn't live in a world where she and my best friend were married.

"I already told you. I need you to leave. You're what's wrong." I didn't understand why he still hadn't got it. He just needed to understand she was hurting me. And he couldn't. I needed to leave.

I heard his footsteps as he walked away from the car. I turned over the ignition and sped away.

I never looked back.

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I told you there was a lot more. =) Review, please.


	5. Chapter 5

This is a short one. It kinda has to be this way or else this update would have never happened. It would have been an epic novel. So here's Riku's side. Look for Sora's in about two days =)

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_X.x.x...If Only...x.x.X_

_**Chapter 1**_

_**Riku  
**_

_Xxx…Four years later…xxX_

I woke up, like any other day. I took my shower, put on my casual dress attire, ate the breakfast I didn't make and drove the car I bought. I put in my eight hours of work and drove back home. I took a seat on the couch and watched TV.

It was just another day in the wonderful life of Riku Miyano.

As I watched a rerun of Kairi's favorite dancing show, smiling and pretending like I care, I wondered how things had become so monotonous.

I didn't spend that much time wondering. I knew the reason. It was because the last four years had a severe lack of who I would still consider my best friend. Axel and Roxas had moved to L.A. It was nice still having contact with them, but nothing could take Sora's place. I took in a deep breath and chased it with a gulp of beer.

"Honestly, Riku, must you drink around me?" Kairi threw a couch pillow at me.

_Must you be so annoying all the time?_ I sighed again and decided not to answer out loud. It was better that way, just being silent.

Ever since we said "I do" things had taken a drastic change. Well, even before the wedding she had been on my ass asking questions about my last night with Sora. I had never seen her so persistent with anything, ever. Eventually, Kairi decided to back off, but what she had turned into was something else. Something bitter.

I still to this day hadn't a clue what turned her.

I must have dozed off because the next thing I remember was Kairi shaking my shoulder.

"Well, I'm off to Larxene's for our monthly girls' night in. See you tomorrow." Kairi leaned over me and kissed my cheek.

"See you." I put a smile on my face. I still cared about her, despite how she was acting. "I love you."

My sentiments were lost. She was already out the front door.

The more I thought, the more the depression took over. Kairi never told me she loved me anymore. She never really did much of anything beside spend my money and bitch about my behavior.

Every once in a while, she would kiss me, and every one in a longer while, we had sex. It really wasn't making love, at least on her end. I felt a lot of nothing coming off her body every time.

But something kept me here. I think it was the knowledge that there wasn't anything else out there for me. I'd lost that something long ago.

I picked myself of the couch and went to change. When Kairi went out, Axel and Roxas came over. We usually played cards or some random video game. Nothing too special.

I decided on my favorite sweats and an old college tee. The shirt seemed to sting my body with memories I could never relive.

By the time I dragged myself from my room, Axel was sitting at my table.

"Hey there, stud." He waved me to sit. "Roxas is out with his dad camping or something, but I decided to stay here with you. Can't myself all dirty, you know what I'm sayin'?"

I laughed and took a seat. "Nope, you're not the roughin' it type."I put on a fake smile and leaned back.

"Don't be like that, man. What's wrong?" Axel was my best friend. Nothing got past his cat-like eyes.

"You know, the usual." Another sigh. "Work is boring. Home is a drag. Kairi is a bitch."

"You live the high life here." Axel shook his head. "You've been like this for months. Wait, no, years. What gives?"

I glared. He knew the reason.

"That was four years ago, Riku. There comes a time in everyone's life when you have to move on." Axel moved his chair closer to mine and wrapped his arm around my back. "Let's get shitfaced and acti like teenagers."

"There's beer in the fridge." I smiled a little. It would be nice to forget everything for a little while. Axel was good for that. I couldn't have asked for a better distraction.

Within the hour we were trashed making prank calls. I somehow managed to find my old phone from college and it somehow had enough juice to turn on. After searching through the numbers, we called Tidus, who knew it was us, a few of my professors and random friends from campus.

"Dude! We should so call Namine!" Axel took out his phone and my old phone, copying the digits.

"Yeah! Haven't talked to her since . . . since graduation." I wasn't trying to comprehend why I hadn't talked to her since graduation. My drunken senses weren't working to my advantage. If I were sober I probably wouldn't have gone through with it.

"I bet she'll _die_ when she finds out it's us." Axel laughed all over himself. His hands flailed; I assumed he meant for me to be quiet. "Hellloooooo, Namine."

I jumped over the end table and sat next to Axel so I could listen in.

"_Who is this? It's 1 a.m. What do you want?"_

"Nothing Naaaaaamine." Axel giggled like a school girl. "How'sss Tiidus?"

There was a pause. "_I wouldn't know."_

"That's a shame. You two were so close in college."

"_Axel? Is that you?"_

"Damn, Nami. I didn't know you'd guess right that quickly." Axel put on the speaker phone. "Riku's here, too. Say hi Riku."

"Hey, Namine. What's shakin'?" I laughed at my response. Shakin'? Who the heck came up with that?

"_You two will never change. Can I go now?"_

"Aw, but we wanted to catch up. It's been years," Axel responded.

"_There's nothing I'm allowed to say. Just leave me alone."_

"God, I don't remember her being such a bitch," I whispered in Axel's ear.

"_I heard that, Riku. Like you're any better."_

"The hell is that supposed to mean?" I grabbed the phone, forgetting it was on speaker. "I was a good friend to you."

"_That may be so. But what about Sora and what you did to him? I can't forget that, and I'm sure you can't either."_

"Shut your f – " Deep breath. "I didn't do anything to him. He ran away from me. Well, drove away. Same difference." All the pain resurfaced. I held my chest and heaved out breaths.

"See what you did, Nami? Riku's crying like a baby because of you. He didn't do anything wrong. Sora left that morning before Riku even woke up and then when Riku was trying to talk to him, Sora sped away. How's that his fault," Axel explained rather well for being intoxicated.

"_You're full of it. Sora left Riku a letter. I know all about it."_

I sat up.

"A what?" My mind went over the scene from four years ago. Kairi woke me up. She was pissed. I was naked on my bed. All of Sora's things were gone. I sobered up pretty quickly. "Namine, there wasn't a letter. I swear there wasn't."

"_I have to go."_

Then there was silence.

"Weird." Axel laughed uneasily. "Was there a letter?"

"Not that I remember." I scratched my head and sat cross-legged. "All I remember from that morning was me being in my bed and Kairi being pissed."

Both of our metaphorical light bulbs lit at the same time.

"You don't think – " Axel began.

"that Kairi took the letter." I finished and continued. "Fuck yes I think she did. Axel, you should have seen how bitchy she was that morning. And then afterward . . . she never let that morning go."

Axel stood and took off to the bedroom. Before I could object, things were flying out of our closet. I shrugged and joined in. I wanted to find this note more than he did, I was sure of it.

I found the box first. It was some sort of a scrap book, but in a box. In it contained a bunch of crap from Kairi's life. As I opened the lid, I remember how often she had screamed at me never to look in there. She had called it her "private space" and claimed that my laptop was my private space. I respected her box, figuring it was a bunch of notes from high school and photos that I could care less about.

Axel and I sorted through the top layer. He pointed out a few photos of Kairi from high school. Then I pulled out her senior yearbook.

What lie under the box were many manila envelopes. Each envelope had two years printed on them. I pulled out the envelope from the first two years of college, the years I hadn't known her.

"What the – " I threw down the envelope and Axel picked it up. "I really don't think you should look in there."

"I can't be that bad." Axel's jaw dropped as his eyes glanced over the images and notes. "And I was wrong."

The envelop contained a collage of Kairi and others doing things that if I repeated I wouldn't be able to kiss my mother. Whips, chains, black . . . bite marks, evil grins and so many naked bodies. Sure, there were other, nice photos, but the ratio of nice things to not-so-nice things was far too unbalanced.

"Dude, you married a slut." Axel tried to suppress his chuckle. I hit him over the head.

"This was from before me," I said, mostly trying to convince myself. "Everyone does some crazy shit, right?"

"So, look at the next envelop. It looks like a heavy one." Axel handed it to me. At least he had the courtesy to let me be the one to open my wife's past.

The beginning of envelop wasn't too bad. There were photos of us. Emails from me she had printed, ticket stubs to movies and other mementoes. It wasn't until about half-way through that I asked Axel if he would go to the living room. After he looked at what I held in my hands, he walked away without any complaint.

The photos had changed. They were of her and some other guy I'd never met. The photos got worse as I progressed, and the guys changed as well. There was a notebook. Inside was Sora's handwriting. I could have picked his hand writing out of a 1000 people's. Four years of copying notes will do that to you. I didn't pay attention to the notebook, at least not then.

For under the notebook lie an envelope with my name scrawled on its front. I took a deep breath and relived the past that I never had.

_Riku,_

_Last night was the best night of my life. I guess that's the best way to start something like this, right? Going over the good things and then reaching the bad later? _

_But in all honesty, it was the best of my life. For so long I wanted to share the simplest kiss with you, let alone all the beauties of what we did. It was everything I wished it to be._

_Ever since I met you so long ago I've wanted nothing than to be with you, but we were young. Mistakes are made between two people who have so much growing left. So, I hid my emotions, even when you showed me yours. I'm sorry about that. I really should have told you. I now know that. But please understand that I was waiting for the right time._

_Well, you're leaving tomorrow, so I figured now was that time._

_Riku, I love you. I love everything about you. I love your smile, your eyes, your hair. But I love so much more than any physical attribute, I love your soul. You are one of the purest beings I have yet to meet. You leave your heart on your sleeve and stupid boys like me refuse that heart and regret it every day. You try not to judge and do the right thing. You take everyone at face value and find the good in people._

_All these reasons are why I'm still writing. _

_You have been blinded by the one who you are to marry. _

_Kairi is not the woman you think she is. She is a liar, a cheater and has an ugly inside. I know it's not my place to tell you this, but she's good at deceiving and you're good at not noticing. I care too much for you to marry her without knowing. _

_Riku, I saw her kissing some guy in a parking lot a while ago. I'm sorry I didn't tell you, but I couldn't. She said she'd make it so I'd never see you again, and I believed her. She would have lied and said I was jealous of her or something. She would have made it happen. At least I thought that at the time._

_Then she stole one of my notebooks as proof. In there lies all the feelings I felt for you in the course of one year. There are poems, stories and random writings. She copied a few pages and mailed them to my parents. That's why I took summer classes that one year; my parents hadn't accepted who I was. They do now, but the pain is still there._

_If you find my notebook, you have my permission to read it. Actually, please do._

_But because of her, I can no longer see you. I can't associate with someone like her. She's hurt me on too many levels and I'm sure, after reading this, she's hurt you as well._

_What I'm asking you now is something selfish. I know it is, but it's what I need. I need you to either choose me in whatever way you want me – friend, acquaintance, lover or boyfriend and leave Kairi, or leave me and keep her. I can't be around you if you're married to her. I can't see her hateful eyes. She hates me and people like me. I won't say any more, because it's not my place to discuss matters that aren't directly related to my own._

_But you have a choice to make. I'll be in my car in the dorm parking lot until shortly after the ceremony, then I'm leaving, Riku. I'm leaving and I'm not coming back in any sense of the word._

_Please come see me in my car. No matter who you chose, I would love to see you one more time. I love you, Riku. I feel terribly for making you choose, but . . . I just can't take her anymore. I'm so sorry. _

_With all the love I possess,_

_Sora_

Tears blotted Sora's writing. I fought back the urge to storm out of the house, to burn the stupid thing down.

But instead I stood, rather calmly at that, and walked to the dining room.

"Axel." My friend turned around and didn't say a word. "Help me pack."

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Hope that cleared up some of the stuff from the previous chapters. I have a habit of making Kairi a bitch o.O Review?? XD


	6. Chapter 6

Konbonwa! We've got to stop meeting like this, readers. I know I'm terrible at updating, but I swear I mean well. I mean, the rest of this story is already planned. I stay up at night just thinking about what to write, it's the writing part that's hard. Well, I hope you enjoy this here chapter. I'm just letting you know, not everything is as it seems. . . . 3

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_X.x.x...If Only...x.x.X_

_**Chapter 6**_

_**Sora**_

"_We'll kick them to the curb unless they look like Mick Jagger . . . ."_

"What the – " I blinked a few times and glanced at the clock. 1 a.m. I curled back into a ball and buried myself under the covers. Namine usually didn't get calls at all, let alone past 1 a.m.

I tried to mind my own business and fall back asleep. I really did. I swear. But I could hear distress in Namine's voice, so I decided to listen in. What else is there to do at 1 a.m. when you have to work at 9 in the morning?

There were a few breaks in conversation. I could feel myself falling back to sleep. Then my eyelids shot back open. Did I just hear? No. Couldn't be. I listened again, barely breathing just to make sure I heard every syllable.

"_You're full of it. Sora left Riku a letter. I know all about it"_

Riku.

It had been four years since I drove away from my best friend. Four years of a lot of denial, pain and change. Four year should numb the effect his name had on me, but it didn't.

I listened for another silence. Once I was positive Namine's was off the phone, I ran to her room, not worried about waking anyone up.

"Nami! Riku! Was Riku calling?" I jumped on her bed, She was facing the opposite direction, her hands over her face.

"So you heard?" She sat up, adjusting her gown. You'd think after living with a person for three years, especially me, they'd let a little gown slippage go, but not Nami. She had too much pride, or something.

"Yeah I did." I paused, my face turning a shade of red. "Sorry for listening in. You seemed upset, and I wanted to make sure all was okay."

"I'm fine." For someone who was "fine" Namine's obviously ruffled persona said something different. "And it wasn't Riku who called, it was Axel. Though Riku did grab the phone half-way through the conversation."

"Axel? He was with Riku? I guess that makes sense. Roxas and him live near Riku." I shook my head. Living arrangements are not important. "What did Riku, I mean Axel, I mean. Ugh. What did they say?"

Namine took a deep breath in. She closed her eyes and paused for several moments, all of which went by entirely too slowly for my liking. Then she said, "Sora, do you really want to know? Does it even matter at this point? We have a life here, they have one there. What does it matter? The past needs to stay in the past. They were trashed anyway."

"What does it matter?" I could feel my pulse quicken. "What does it matter?! I'll tell you why it matters. Riku or Axel, well both of them, thought to call you. And ask about me, I'm assuming, since my letter was brought into the conversation. I haven't heard anything from Riku, nor Axel, in four years. Not a damn word. And if they call at all one a.m. regardless of their level of intoxication, I want to know what they have to say." Each sentence grew progressively louder, and my voice somehow found its backbone in this process. "Also, as you know, I am in fact not over Riku, and goddammit, I'm at the point where if he's willing, I'll throw it all away, so help me Namine."

"Daddy?" My daughter Dai said, peering from behind the door. "Can I come in?"

Namine glared at me, gesturing at our daughter. "You'd throw her away?" She shook her head. "Come here, Dai. Daddy's just being silly." Dai climbed between Namine and I on her bed.

"That's not what I meant." I shook my head, knowing I wouldn't get anything out of Namine with Dai in the room. "Dai, everything's ok. I just got excited. Would you like me to take you back to bed?"

"That's silly. Dai, why don't you sleep with mommy tonight? We can have a slumber party."

I rolled my eyes. Namine: master of distraction.

"Is Daddy going to sleep with us?" Dai curled in a ball on my side.

"No, honey." I kissed her forehead. "Daddy has work soon, but you and mommy have a good sleep, and I'll see you in the morning."

"Night," Dai managed to get out before falling into a rather deep sleep for a 3-year-old.

I carefully got out of bed and made my way to the door. "This isn't over, Namine," I said before I walked back to my room.

I left the door open to both rooms. I was right about this whole situation not being over. I kept my breathing even and my thoughts as quiet as I could, but I still wondered off a few times. I came to a few conclusions during the next 10 to 20 minutes.

Axel called Namine, not me, after near four years of zero contact. Not even when he married Roxas did he call, though Roxas did. Riku had at one point been on the phone with Namine. Sometime after she spoke about the letter, but she hung up very quickly after that. They were drunk, and presumably alone.

I also came to a few other realizations about my current life situation.

I loved Dai, and I loved Namine, though only as a friend. Our situation was a tough one, and adding Riku back into our life would be tricky, yet doable. Then again, do I want Riku in my life? He did choose that bitch over me. Then again, it's been four years. A lot can happen in that time.

Bottom line: I needed to talk to Riku and/or Axel before I could make a bottom line.

As soon as Dai and Namine's breathing leveled, I decided it was time to test my ninja abilities. I carefully edged along the hallway, squeezed through the door and ducked until I reached Namine's nightstand. I saw the green light her phone produced as it charged. With what little stealth I had left, I managed to detach the phone from the charger, exit the room and make it to the living room without being detected.

I didn't think and hit "Send" twice. One ring. I realized it was about 4 a.m. on the west coast, but I didn't care. Two rings. I prayed to every god I knew of that it didn't go to voicemail. Three rings. How many rings did it take to get to voicemail anyway? Four rings. Well, shit. It's going to –

"Namine?" said a very Axel-like voice.

"No, not Namine. Sora." I took a deep breath, after realizing the entire time I'd had the phone in my possession I hadn't been breathing. "Axel? Is Riku with you?"

"_Sora! Hey, man. Been years. Namine's kinda a bitch now."_

"Axel. Focus. Riku. Then we'll play catch-up." I didn't mean to sound impatient, but dammit, I was impatient.

"_Yeah. He's here. RIKU! Phone! Important! No, why would she be calling my phone? Yes, more important than packing. Oh for fuck's sake, just get your ass in here. I swear you're female."_

"_Hello? Who's this?" _said a very not Axel-like voice.

Riku was on the phone. After all this time. Somehow his voice hadn't changed. Up until this moment there were about 1.4 million things I had to tell him ranging from "I love you" to "Burn in hell, douche," but at this particular moment all I could say to the only man I'd ever loved was: "Hi. It's . . . Sora."

Silence says a lot, so they say. I say, who the hell is they and what kind of ears do they have?

About 30 seconds later, Riku spoke.

"_Sora. __I-I-I, I mean hello." _I strained my ears. I could hear a sniffle? Riku was crying? _"I'm sorry. For everything. I didn't know. I didn't know anything. I just found it. I hate her. I – "_

"Riku," how I missed saying his name. I couldn't help but smile, despite that this man had betrayed me. "Calm down. What did you find? Who do you hate?" I took another gulp of good ol' oxygen. "I need to slow down. What are you sorry for?"

"_About graduation. That night, and the day that followed. I didn't know about the letter. She, Kairi hid it from me."_

"I don't believe you." I said rather quickly. Why should I? He had four years to figure everything out. Still, I felt terrible denying him outright, but I kept my ground. "I left it for you and you came and found me, just like it said."

"_Ever stop to think that maybe I found you because I was just concerned that you disappeared from the dorm without a trace? Ever think Kairi stole the note? Ever think I drank enough to black out that whole night?"_

"No, actually, I hadn't." It was the truth. Up until now, I had always assumed that he read the note and chose Kairi over me. I thought Riku had just fallen asleep. But you know what they say about assuming. Stupid they. They should really stop saying things. Then again, all this seemed kinda like a cop out.

"_Sora? You still there?"_

"I'm here. Just a lot to process. It's hard to tell if you're lying."

"_Understandable. After finally reading the note, what I did to you – well, it was pretty unforgivable. But Sora, I didn't know anything. I couldn't remember anything. I know it sounds cheap, but I swear to you I didn't know. Sora, I love you. To this day, I love you more than anything. I loved you so much I left when you told me to, but you were never truly away from me. Understand that. Please."_

"Riku . . ." Riku's monologue made my chest heave Everything seemed too good to be true. Riku loved me. My imagination took a quick 5-second voyage into world where I could run off with Riku into the sunset, but then reality came crashed in on my mythical parade. "I can't understand anything right now. Everything seems so, so perfect, and I can't. I just can't right now. Things have changed. I've changed." And a stake jammed itself into my heart. My eyes leaked with salty tears that burned.

"_I'm different, too, but I refuse to accept that response, Sora. I can't. I love you too much. I can't let you go, not after tonight."_

Just then, a door closed. I heard tiny footsteps running down the hallway, slamming the bathroom door shut. Dai. Small children had quite inconvenient sleeping patterns. "Listen, Riku. My life is much more complex since we've last talked. I want to tell you I can get on a plane and be with you by evening, but I can't. Life isn't that simple." My words were rushed. I needed to get off this phone. Fast.

"_No need to get on a plane. I'm landing in New York tomorrow evening. I need to see you."_

"What?" I stopped breathing again. Tomorrow. In a few hours Riku will be in the same city as me. Granted, New York is a big city, but still. "I can't, you can't. But." Breathe, Sora, I told myself. "It might be better if you stayed where you are." I didn't believe myself, but maybe Riku would?

"_Bullshit. You still work at the Times?"_

"Uh, yes?"

"_See you there. Love you, Sora."_

"Love you, too." I said without thinking. Mostly because that's what my heart wanted to say. That's all I had wanted to say in years. The phone was silent. The call had ended. I put it on the couch.

He could be bluffing. I could be dreaming. I could be dead.

All of these theories seemed to make more sense than Riku being in my presence in less than 24 hours. Then Dai crawled into my lap.

"Are you ok?" I could tell Dia was sleepy. She probably wouldn't remember anything in the morning. I hoped.

'Eevrything's okay, Dai." I picked up the phone, erased the call I'd made after memorizing the number and then put Dai in my arms. "Everything's okay."

"Good," Dai yawned. "Can I sleep wit' you? Mommy 'nores."

"'Course." I picked her up and went into Namine's room to replace the phone, Dai asleep on my shoulder.

After placing my daughter on my bed, I curled beside her. I put Axel's number in my phone and exhaled.

"Everything will somehow be okay."

* * *

^-^ Okay, I'm telling you right now, don't freak. It will make sense in the end.


End file.
